Doing just fine (for now)

I’ve been on my new antidepressant for about six weeks, and things are going really well on that front.  I feel happier and have a little more energy than I did, which makes a lot of things a little easier.

For the last couple of months, I’ve been actively seeking a different job. Don’t get me wrong–for the most part, I like what I’m doing now and work with a lot of great people, but the job is physically and sometimes emotionally difficult for me. A couple of weeks ago, I had a lead on a good job with a set schedule and duties I felt very capable of handling given my past education and work experience, but it was in Baltimore, so it wasn’t going to be practical from a financial standpoint (longer commute than I’d like from here and lower wages/cost of living there so I’d probably be making less money than I do now). I was hoping to be out of retail before the holiday season started, but, well, it’s November. I’m not going anywhere until at least January. Maybe next year will be the year I get to do something with all the work I put into college.

At least now I’m fairly certain I’ll be around next year, because for a lot of this past year it felt like I wouldn’t be. 29 has been a difficult year for me to say the least. Not especially looking forward to turning 30 later this month, but for a lot of the past year I didn’t want to keep going. I was angry, miserable, and tired of the life I was living. Sick of changing antidepressants or dosages every few months to get a few weeks of peace before slipping back into a deep, minimally-functional state of depression. My mind went to a lot of dark places over this past year, and while I can’t lie and say everything is all better now, things are a lot better than they were. I know how lucky I am to have a tremendously supportive husband who understands a lot of the way my brain operates because he’s dealt with some of these problems himself, and if not for him, I would’ve given up entirely.

Speaking of my darling spouse, his book manuscript is out for review now, so it’s possible he may find out before Christmas if he’s looking at it being published by his #1 choice university press. He’s in a very very small field so I was surprised to hear that they’d found reviewers who haven’t already been involved in his previous work or with the dissertation he based this book on. A lot of the top experts in his field are people he’s studied with or worked with, or people who sat on his dissertation committee. We’re both trying to be optimistic without getting our hopes up too much–this isn’t the first time I’ve been grateful that Dallas doesn’t worry/get anxious about things quite as much as I do!

Right now I’m just trying to focus on getting through each individual day. There are always at least a dozen things at work I need to get done, or that I should’ve already gotten done, but we’re short-staffed and everyone’s sort of flying by the seat of their pants up there now. I’m trying to work on being more flexible and keeping my cool when things don’t go as planned, because that’s almost everything right now! Other people might get a rush from it, but it’s utterly terrifying to me. I’m looking at about two more months of work craziness before things settle down after the holidays, and I just need to push towards that. Things will (probably) be okay.


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