High hopes

New antidepressant, new routines.  There are a lot of things I’m trying to change right now, and I just have to be patient enough to see this through. (And if you know me well, you know I am not a terribly patient person.)

A lot of the thoughts in my head have been very dark these past few weeks, and I’ve been struggling. Things at work have been very challenging; one of the upper managers above me got promoted to run his own store and two of our full-time people left for other jobs, plus we’re doing our holiday hiring and guess who does most of the orientation sessions for new hires?! It’s not even the actual holiday season yet and I’m already way stressed.  I’m hoping things will get a little better now that there’s another manager coming (I think/hope from another store, with some experience) and the two full-time positions have been filled.  We’ll see.

In addition, I’ve been having issues with my vision, which have tentatively been flagged as “suspect glaucoma”.  I got new glasses, with an updated prescription, but obviously that’s a short-term fix–it’s not going to do anything for the blind spots in my peripheral vision, and it’s not going to shrink the big donut hole in the middle of my optic nerve.  Today I received an actual letter, in the mail, saying the results from my last group of eye tests were not great and now I get to go for even more tests, once I can actually schedule them.  Since we’re getting to the busy season at work, I can’t just ask for time off, I need to go do things when I’m already scheduled to be off.  The October management schedule should be out soon, and I can make some plans.

In general I’m trying to be calmer and take better care of myself.  Even though I get plenty of cardio in at work walking/running around, moving things, pushing and pulling merchandise, etc., I finally gave in and joined the gym Dallas goes to, so we can work out together.  Maybe I’ll get super buff this winter…actually, probably not, but a girl can dream, right?

I’m trying to get on a fairly steady sleep schedule and have stopped eating so much junk food, and am spending more time reading, journaling, coloring (with colored pencils, because I am an adult), and taking in fresh air and natural light–all the things I used to do when I was less sad all the time.  My therapist thinks it’ll help, and so far, I think it is helping a little.  Hoping the new antidepressant will help too–it’s similar to one I took a few years ago that was genuinely helping, but since there was no generic available, I couldn’t afford to stay on it once I was out of samples.  At any rate, taking a massive dose of the last medication I was on wasn’t doing anything for me–I stepped up the dosage in August and never got rid of the side effects, plus I’m pretty sure an antidepressant isn’t supposed to make you more depressed, which it was doing.

There are a few other things I’m working on that I’m not ready to share yet, so if you can spare any good wishes, I could definitely use them.  So could Dallas–he sent off the manuscript for his very first book to the top academic publisher in his field after they expressed an interest in the couple of draft chapters he submitted.  It’ll be weeks or months before he hears anything for sure, but he’s pretty nervous.  He’s published articles and contributed to books but this is the first thing he’s trying to go out and do totally on his own, so it’s kind of a big deal.

Things are up and down from day to day, but overall, things are moving in a positive direction.  I’m rapidly approaching my 30th birthday, and there were a lot of times this year that I thought I wouldn’t make it.  Not necessarily looking forward to turning 30, but at least now I know I’m going to see it.

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