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I haven’t blogged lately, or even really thought about blogging much–exhausted, apathetic, busy, stressed, depressed, out of words.  There are dozens of words and phrases that could describe my life and my state of mind lately, and most of them are not good.

The last several weeks have been particularly difficult.  It’s now been almost a month since I had my first appointment with my new psychiatrist.  He’s very kind and helpful–he prescribed me a sleep aid that actually mostly works (!!!!) and doubled the dosage of the antidepressant I’ve been on for about a year.  That’s going to make things difficult if I ever have to go off of it for any reason, but for now I’m not even thinking about that right now.  Unfortunately, I still haven’t had the time to call and schedule a meeting with the therapist because the supervisors’ schedule at work has been all jacked up for a while and it only just got resolved to where I’ll have a particular day off most weeks from here on out.

Right after I started the higher dose of my medication, one of my younger cousins lost his battle with depression, so things have been tough for all of us who loved (and still love) him.  Unsurprisingly, it’s really, really hard to be this far away from your family when they’re hurting and you’re hurting.  I’m thankful for the strong support system my aunt, uncle, and cousins have around them, but I still wish I could’ve been close by if they needed me, not an almost 800-mile drive away and working five straight days after my mom called me with the bad news.

The higher dosage of my medication is working, I think–I’m calmer, I guess, in sort of a detached way.  I was having an intense panic attack at least once a week before; now it’s been almost two weeks without one.  The fits of impatience, irritability, and white-hot rage are gone, replaced by an oddly zen experience where it frequently feels like I’m watching a situation play out rather than being involved in it.  It’s easier for me to just randomly walk up to a customer and start a conversation, and picking up the phone to answer a call or call someone else is a lot easier than it was (though obviously if the option to send an email exists, I’d much rather do that).

At this point, I just hope it lasts.  This is the fourth antidepressant I’ve been on since 2014, either because a medication was the wrong one for me to start with or because it eventually lost its effectiveness.  When my psychiatrist doubled my antidepressant dosage, he pushed me up to the maximum dosage known to be safe, so if this stops feeling as effective, like the lower dosage did, there’s nowhere to go but to start yet another new medication.

I’m just trying to be hopeful at this point.  Hopeful that things will work out in a lot of parts of my life, medication and otherwise.  Hopeful that I’ll keep seeing improvement, because I really enjoy having more than one good day at a time.  Right now, the hope that things will actually get better is what’s keeping me going, more than anything else.

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