At peace

The fog of the ridiculous depression I’ve been under for the last week or so has finally started to lift.  I’m smiling because I genuinely feel like it, not because people expect me to do it.

I think meditating has helped a lot.  I know there are a few people who might read this and think meditation and mindfulness are total bullshit, and that’s fine.  You do you, I’ll do me.  I’m slowly getting better at completely emptying my mind and acknowledging thoughts as they come up but telling myself I can address them later on.  I’ve always been an expert-level procrastinator, so why not apply that same laziness to analyzing my thoughts?

Another thing I’ve tried to make peace with is my weight.  Do I want to lose some of it?  Most definitely.  But if I don’t get back down to my pre-antidepressant weight, that’s okay.  My blood work has been excellent, my blood pressure is just where it should be, and I’m physically in good shape.  I walk, run, swim, and lift weights (which definitely accounts for some, but not all, of my weight gain).  There are some parts of my body I’d like to improve for aesthetic reasons, and I’m working on them.  It’s a little painful to accept that I might need to buy some new clothes, but I’d rather be doing that than moping because I don’t look the way I want to in what I currently own.  I’ve got my eye on a sweater and a couple pairs of jeans at work.

Everything will be just fine.  I’m drinking more water and less coffee, and watching portion sizes when I eat.  Right now I’m wearing a pair of jeans I’ve had for three years and they fit (okay, it’s probably because they stretch a little), and I count that as a non-scale victory because they haven’t fit me in a couple of months.

Other than that, it’s impossible to stay down for too long–I don’t like for anyone to have to worry about me, especially Dallas.  He has taken such good care of me these last several days, even as he works on writing the very last chapter of his dissertation in preparation for his defense on January 29, 2016.  Next month we’re headed to Tallahassee so he can attend a workshop on curriculum design, ways to relate to your students, and job options outside academia.  (I’m going so I can finally say I’ve been to Florida, I guess.)

It’s beginning to feel like everything is looking up.  There are a surprising number of job openings in Dallas’ field for next year already, and some of them have even been for the specific region/time period he studies.  I’m keeping a list of everywhere he’s applying, and hopefully some of these schools look closely at him.  I think it’s going to help that he has some strong publications already, including a chapter in a book that’s coming out before the end of the year through a really good university press.  He’s gone to a lot of conferences and networked with a ton of people who are important in his field.  None of this can hurt him, and I really hope it’ll lead to him being offered a great job he’ll enjoy.  When we’re settled someplace so he can start his career, I’m hoping to work my way into something related to one of my fields.  It would be nice for us to be living someplace nice (hey, maybe some day we’ll even get to live in a house instead of an apartment), working professional jobs, being able to put away money and pay off my student loans, maybe even going on vacation once in a while.

The one thing I try to remember when I’m feeling depressed is that it won’t always feel this way.  Things will get better.  I’m starting to see that now, and it’s making a world of difference.


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