My anxiety has been better these last few days, and my depression has been worse. I think the decreased anxiety can be linked to the fact that I’ve been off work since Friday afternoon (not being on the front lines anymore definitely has its perks) and don’t go back until Wednesday. I worked for my in-laws the last two Saturdays, which has been nice because I feel like a) I can be helpful because I understand how pretty much everything in the office works and b) between my anxiety being more under control and the fact that it’s usually a much lower-pressure situation than retail, it’s actually a lot of fun most of the time. Also OMG CUTE PUPPIES AND KITTENS.
Like I said, my depression is worse. My anxiety medication is technically an antidepressant, and I’m on the highest dosage already. The last time I was down like I have been the last couple of days was five years ago, and my life was a lot different then. Today was a better day than yesterday by far, but it definitely is worse at night. I only hope I don’t end up crying in bed with Dallas trying to comfort me tonight like I have the last two evenings.
I have an idea of what’s contributing to my sudden serious depression, other than the massive chemical imbalance in my brain. My medication has changed my life in so many positive ways, but I’ve also put on 25 pounds in the last year, which is very common with this medication. Between the antidepressant and my job, I’m pretty tired and unmotivated when I’m at home, and sometimes it feels like I can’t stop eating. I’ve been reading a book about a diet and exercise plan that’s supposed to help increase serotonin to help you cut back on overeating and maybe even feel a little better, and it seems like a lot of people on SSRIs have had some success getting their eating habits and weight under control while following the diet. I’m reading very slowly so I can try to understand all the science behind it, rather than just flinging all my hopes and dreams into something I don’t understand, but I think Dallas and I might try it.
Anything has to be better than feeling disgusted whenever I look at myself in the mirror. That feeling has been amplified by the fact that most of my “winter clothes” no longer fit–because when I went from 180+ pounds down to about 125, I got rid of all the stuff that was too big for me, hoping that would keep me from ever getting that big again. Obviously that wasn’t a successful strategy.