Our wedding is in two weeks, and I’m starting to feel my anxiety ramp up.
To be perfectly clear, I’m not anxious about marrying Dallas–I really do think we’re meant to be together. We’ve conquered so much together that I don’t think either of us could handle alone, and he’s shown me what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship. I am very much looking forward to us growing old together and smiling at him from my rocking chair when he yells at the neighborhood kids to get off our lawn.
It’s everything surrounding the wedding that’s making me anxious. The vast majority of my family members who will be there are driving all the way from northern Michigan, and so I have to worry about that. Will it be too hot for them to tolerate? What if it rains? Will everybody get along? What if we get halfway to Savannah (or worse, all the way there) and realize we’ve forgotten something important?
The physical manifestations of my anxiety disorder are another big worry. For a long time, I only broke out in hives when I was stressed out at or because of work (shoutout to so many of our customers for yelling at me about things that are totally out of my hands). The other night, we were hanging out at Dallas’ parents’ house when I started to itch. Arms, legs, back, stomach…even places like my neck, the insides of my ears, the bottoms of my feet, the spaces between my fingers. Everything itched, and I have no idea why: I was on the floor curled up with my best girl Gabby for a long time, nice and relaxed, then all of a sudden I couldn’t scratch fast enough to feel any better. It took two Benadryls to dull the itching sensation enough for me to ignore it instead of scratching, meaning I could barely stay awake past about 8:30 that night. So, uh, I guess here’s hoping I’m not covered in red patches and/or half-asleep from an overdose of antihistamines in our wedding pictures.
I also had a panic attack at about 3 o’clock this morning. Thankfully our new couch was delivered yesterday so I had somewhere I could go and try to calm down without disturbing Dallas. I didn’t sleep much before or after the panic attack, but at least I have today off work. We have to run a bunch of cardboard, plastic, and glass to the recycling facility today, then wash our laundry, so at least that’ll keep me busy for a while, and leave me time to relax or take a nap if needed.
Every day of these past couple weeks has been something of a struggle, but I’m hopeful that I can convince myself that everything is going to be perfect on our wedding day and maybe head off some of the more severe feelings of anxiety I’ve been experiencing lately.