My days are running together

Everything is just go, go, go, and I had to look at my phone this morning to see not just the time, but the day and date.  Work has kept me busy, as have things at home.

I’ve made the decision to tell my doctor this afternoon that I want to stop taking Wellbutrin.  It’s not doing much for me except making me more anxious.  It’s almost like I’m not even taking my citalopram anymore.  The anxiety was the reason for that in the first place!  I’m going to stand my ground today, and ask to get a prescription for a higher dosage of citalopram.  I was far too easily talked into the Wellbutrin, and as far as my physical and mental health are concerned, the last three weeks have been hell.

I’m always tired, but can’t sleep.  I’m constantly on edge, and I can’t do anything about it.  While it has made me feel less depressed, there are times that I’m overwhelmed by the urge to break down and cry and I physically can’t do it.  Instead, it turns into a panic attack.  It’s not worth it.  I would rather be sad and relatively mentally stable than to have the ability to act cheerful while actually worrying about every…single…thing.  (Even those things that aren’t worth worrying about–this is how my brain works while I’m unmedicated.)  The last few weeks haven’t been easy on anyone around me, either, which only makes me even more anxious.  I don’t like being a bother.

After I go to the doctor’s office this afternoon, I get to go to a closing shift at work.  One of my coworkers said I can’t entirely move to support because the rest of the sales floor team needs me to help close.  I admit it made me feel a little bit of pride and satisfaction to hear that–I work hard because I don’t want to be there all night, and other people have noticed.  However, I know they could manage without me, because I don’t close every night.  I close again on Saturday, Sunday, and Tuesday, and work in support three days next week.  Also, I actually have Saturday off next week, totally at random because I didn’t request it off.  I only work from 7-11 am that Friday so it’s almost like having two days off.  I’m thrilled!

We only mailed our wedding invitations last Friday, and we’ve already gotten two of our response cards back.  They’re from people we already knew were coming, but it was still fun and exciting to get them in the mail.  It’s really driven the point home that this is actually happening, and it’s happening soon.  You’d think that after waiting all this time, I’d be waiting pretty patiently–the bulk of the wait is over.  But honestly, it feels like July 25th is so far away.

79 more days.  I’ve already read up on everything I need to do to change my name after we get married, and started making a list of all the people/companies/groups I’ll need to contact about my name change: work, banks, student loan servicer, college (maybe I’ll finally start getting my yearly department newsletter again, or they’ll just address the one they always send to Dallas to both of us), insurance company, and phone company.  Then Dallas and I get to do super-fun adult things like trying to find a good, reasonably-priced family health insurance policy for ourselves.  (Yikes.  I’m already nervous about that.)


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