Mine do too, Charlie Brown.
I’m physically doing better right now than I have been in a long time. I’m finally mostly over the cold I’ve been battling for the last few weeks, I’m working out again and trying (mostly unsuccessfully, but still trying) to eat better. Work is actually going pretty well lately; I’m getting a decent number of hours and making the most of my shifts by trying to get out away from the customer service area and move as much as possible while I’m there. Dallas and I are getting married in 145 (145!) days, and we’re pretty much ready to go on that front.
But late at night, early in the morning, at random times of the day when I’m idle and have nothing else to ponder–that’s when my anxiety comes out to play. I’m supposed to schedule a follow-up appointment with my doctor soon, because I’ve been on my medication for almost six months. Honestly, I’m really not sure what to tell her. My anxiety is much less severe than it was, but there are still times I feel so overwhelmed that it’s just like I’m totally unmedicated. When my anxiety is there but not overwhelming, as it is sometimes when I try to sleep, listening to a guided meditation actually relaxes me enough to shut my brain off and get some sleep. Unfortunately, if I am feeling overwhelmed, nothing helps. Trying to do breathing exercises usually leads to a panic attack.
Thankfully, these episodes aren’t seriously disruptive to my day-to-day life. I haven’t had to call out of work or leave early due to a panic attack, and while I may have to drink a ton of coffee to be even moderately functional due to lack of sleep, it’s better than being terrified of everything that could happen if I leave my bed. I don’t think there’s a perfect solution for this. I’m hundreds of times better off now than I was before I was on my medication. My bad days are frustrating, and they’re more frequent than I would like, but at this point, I feel like trying a different medication could leave me worse off than I am now.
When things are really bad, I’ve been trying to remember some of the times my anxiety hasn’t held me back. I think about the support of my family and friends, and about how now that my anxiety is out in the open, I feel like I can lean on them for support. I’m so lucky to have people who are willing to lend me a little of their strength to help me climb out of whatever dark place my brain has gone.
My anxiety makes me feel weak and, at times, utterly helpless. I never felt like I could ask people for this kind of help before, and I’m grateful they haven’t turned their backs on me. I just hope that someday I won’t need so much help.