Chewed up and spit out

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to be able to pick up the phone and call my Meem, because she understood the way a few well-aimed blows can absolutely demolish my confidence when I’m at my lowest, and for so many years she knew just what to say to help me start rebuilding.

Things have not been going well lately for me. At work, I’m constantly being told my best isn’t good enough and being treated like any efforts or skills I bring to the table are worthless. People have straight-up lied and claimed I said this or did that when I didn’t, and people who should know me better than that by now have come to me to lay the blame at my feet for things I wasn’t involved in. I jump in wherever I’ll be a help, not a hindrance, and I look out for the people around me, especially the people I’m theoretically supervising. With very few exceptions, it seems my efforts go unappreciated.

I’m not looking for praise or a pat on the head. I just want to be treated like, I don’t know, my contributions are making some sort of difference? Like I matter in some way? Like I’m a human being doing the best I can in an environment where I’m being put down and treated like garbage pretty much daily by a lot of those around me, ranging from people I’ve never seen before in my life to people who have worked with me day in and day out for months? Because honestly, that’s getting really old, and I don’t know how much more of it I can handle.

It’s bled over into the rest of my life. I don’t sleep, don’t feel much like eating, cry so much I run out of tears, and think about how much I’d like to just not exist. Every rejection letter I get reinforces the point that I’m stuck and that this is my life now, until I become so worthless that even retail won’t want me anymore. I want to believe that’s not true, but every day, every week, it gets harder to convince myself.

I used to be able to call my Meem and she understood it. Understood me and the way my brain works. Understood that it’s very easy to break my heart and completely destroy my self-esteem. She understood me better than I’ll ever understand myself, and even after almost two years without her, the pain I feel on days like today is still horribly raw.

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I think this is what you call “settled”

In the six and a half years we’ve been together, Dallas and I have lived at five different addresses and moved basically cross-country twice (Michigan to Georgia, then Georgia to Maryland). Last year, when the lease was up on our old apartment, we moved to one closer to my current job (it cut my commute from almost an hour and a half down to under 30 minutes without making a real difference in Dallas’s commute–he just takes a different train line to work). We recently got a note from our apartment management asking us to make a decision soon about whether we’re staying or going when our lease is up in a couple months…and for the first time, we’re actually going to stay put in the same place for more than a year! When our current lease is up, we’re signing a new one, unless something wild happens and we end up needing to move out of the area before then. (Dallas has job applications out in other states, so it could happen, but it’s super unlikely.)

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Blooms

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I have no idea what this tree is but I walk under it on my way to and from work and something about all the flowers makes me ridiculously happy. (Is Shazam for plant identification a thing yet?)

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After a few hiccups, it looks like spring/summer is finally headed this way and I’m 100% here for it.